past, present, future

I have a story to tell.

Once upon a time, my Past and my Present caught up with me. Both of them wanted a chance to become my Future. I couldn't decide who to pick.

I contemplated about my Past and thought about the good times... The bad times... I thought about how much I miss my Past. All of the times that we spent together. How much there's still a big part of me that wishes he were back in my life to fill in the void that came about when he left.

But also there's my Present.

My Present is perfect. He is like the Prince that saved me from the bitterness of my Past. When all I can feel with my Past is sorrow, all I feel for my Present is happiness, laughter and security. I had once asked for someone to save me and I knew in my heart that he could. My saviour. My knight. My Prince.

But why does the idea of not giving my Past a second chance so revolting?

Days and nights I thought about what to do. I always thought about why I felt so alone. Why I felt so scared of the thought of being happy. I asked myself countless times, why I was even thinking about this. The Past who made you cry, or the Present who'd do almost anything to make me happy... I guess it was true that the only person who could make you stop hurting is the person who hurt you in the first place.

When I saw my Past face to face, it all came flooding back. Right then I was ready to give in again. My Past wanted to talk to me. And I wanted to talk to him too. There are so many questions that I know only he could answer.

"I'm with someone new now," my Past said.

I knew that...

"Then I guess there's really nothing we should talk about," he said again.

I guess not.

"Dammit!" he said. "Why are you so incapable of saying exactly how you feel? This is exactly what happened to us before. I tell you I was leaving and all you said was, take care on your way home. I never know what the hell you want from me! Do you want to be with me?.."

I kept quiet. He was right. I never ask for what I want because I always feel like I don't deserve to be so lucky. And I was scared... of him. Scared that he might not want what I wanted. Or allow me to get what I wanted... Him.

"What do you want?" he cried. "Tell me you want me, and you can have me."

What about your girl?

"Come-on, you know it's always been you..."

He was getting angry again. Then memories from before came back to me. That was the one, I was always so scared of him. I had told him that he was this voice in my head in everything I do, and that was exactly it. I always thought I needed his approval. I always thought I have to be better. I always thought I have to justify him being with me.

"What!?"

I started crying. I cried because I knew this was goodbye.

You really want to know the truth, my Past? I think it's time to move on. I think I shouldn't keep holding on to you. I think I can never love you the same way knowing it wasn't good enough that you had to leave. I think that there's better for me. Somewhere. There's someone waiting for me. Who I could be myself with. Who can accept me for who I am and didn't need me to ask for what I want, but should know what I want because he knows me. The truth is my Past, if you had to ask what I wanted, then you obviously are not ready to know.

I stepped out of the car, still crying and walked toward my house where my Present sat waiting.

"What happened to you?" he asked concern written all over his face. "I'm gonna have a little talk with him..."

No. You don't have to. Don't hate him. He didn't do anything to me.

"Didn't do anything? Will you look at yourself!" he held my hand. "I'm sorry, but you come to me broken, I get to hate the person who broke you. That's just how it is."

Please... I'm really not crying because of him.

I put my arms around his waste. And he cradled me, I can feel his lips on my ear.

I'm crying because I know exactly what I want now.

"Tell me..."

Just this. Plain and simple.